Living My Word

Over the past few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about my “One Word Resolution” and if I’ve been living it in the way I had hoped. I didn’t want it to be just some other resolution that I eventually go through life forgetting about. My word: Wonder, had 2 major interpretations on how I thought I would live that out. The first being a generally curiosity about life and learning and other such things. The second was an idea of focusing on the joy and awe of my life and those in it.

I started to think that perhaps my wonder-like curiosity should be focused at taking chances as well. Looking at opportunities for my life lately have been a struggle and the cause of some anxieties when I start to think about it. I had a strong desire to start applying to new jobs, particularly an amazing sounding one that came through the Twitterverse a few weeks ago. I still haven’t applied and I struggle to think about why because I think I’ve come to a point where the two meanings of my words have collided and I’m left to figure out what all of that really means in the grand scheme of things.

As I started to contemplate what life would be like if I found a new job and moved on from where I am, all of these amazing things started happening right here. Day to day interactions in which joy found its way into my heart more regularly than I suppose it had in the past. I started to find new meaning in some of the things I was doing with my life, with my career. I’m advising a fraternity and lately many of them have continued to ask me if I am proud of the good things that they have done. Of course I am, but seeing their faces when they ask such a question makes me believe that I am working with them for the right reason. When I watch a group of students push themselves beyond what they could have hoped for in our Dance Marathon- raising money to save the lives of children with HIV/AIDS. It brought tears to my eyes to see their success and their own joy.  I had a student recently tell me he is gay and shared with me how he knew I would be the right person to tell. He even said when he told a few other students that he had told me, they said I would of course be the one they could ask for any kind of advice. In a few months I get the opportunity to do service in South Africa for three weeks. And I think to myself, “I want to leave all of this?”

So I guess, my word has caused me to focus on these things and in turn has caused a bit of conflict. I honestly have no clue what I want to do or where I want to be. At 32 I really thought I would have these kinds of things figured out. But I don’t. Not one bit. But I’m trying. I’ve come to realize that life has never quite worked out the way I’ve planned but it has surprised me in many amazing ways. But I’m still stuck trying to figure out my next move and which direction I should move towards.